Something New/Different

"You know nothing Jon Snow."

I have not written in so long. Has it really been four years since I wrote here and five for my other? So many things have changed, so many thoughts.

Today, what brings me here is simple. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who can I be? Where am I going? All these questions have a simple answer, "I do not know."

Sometimes I feel not knowing is okay, sometimes I feel it is not. Today, it is not.

I have now been sitting here watching the cursor blink, I'm not writing this in advance for once.

I am unsure if I'll press "Publish" or let it fade forever.

___________

May tenth I wrote all that. So much has changed. I want to write again. 

My Testimony

(11/2/12)

When I was 13 my dad died.  After my dad died, my family did not know what to do and I was left broken and alone. At the time we had many friends who were more like family. One of those was a friend of my brother’s, one of his closest, even ended up being one of his groomsmen.

That friend then did the unimaginable, something most would consider unforgivable. The simplest way to put it, I was molested for 3 years.

Once it ended i was more broken than ever and spent many years in a world of hate and running from God.  Did many things I now regret and many more I regretted even at the time.  

There came a day when I just had to open my eyes and see Jesus standing there in front of me with His hand out ready to pick me up.  Instantly i felt a change, but there was part of me that was holding back.  I was not able to forgive the man who hurt me, no part of me could.  I was able to forgive him, but not by any means of my own, I was able to solely because of and through Christ.

I can now look at my life, and see how Christ has healed me.  I am left with some scars still, emotional ones.  

Scars are funny things, some are deep and some are shallow. Some scars may fade away. Some scars are so deep that they may heal, leaving their mark, but under the skin the flesh that even when healed you can feel the deeper wounds with just a bit of pressure.

Letters

(10/12/11)

It was many a year ago in a kingdom by the sea...

Wait, no, that's wrong. It was many a year ago though. One of the worst things in my life happened. I was taken advantage in a sexual manner, it lasted for a few years.  This was many years ago, I have forgiven him (four years ago). What I have trouble with and struggle with, forgiving myself. I had so much anger built up, I not only wished him dead but thought of ways to kill him.

It has been on my heart to write him for a while now. I will write and try to get the letter to him. The rest of this will be my letter:


(10/14/11)

-(Name Edited Out)


I have had it on my heart to write this letter for a while. Starting it has been difficult. I will start it with, I have forgiven you.

What I have struggled with in starting this letter is old emotion. For years I carried so much anger and hatred towards you. Thinking about what to say reminds me of all the anger I had. That anger now makes me feel sick. The hardest part I have is forgiving myself.

Even as I work on forgiving myself, I whole heartily ask for your forgiveness for all my anger and hatred I had towards you.

While writing this I am unsure if I want to know if you read it or not. I have shed so many tears, and shed more as I write this.

I am sorry.

Sincerely,
Gregory Tomas Oswald

Reflections and Fears

(9/26/11) Reflections

Five years ago today was my car wreck.

I am now 25 years old. I still have no idea about anything for my life.

Surrounded by plants, flowers, and water. I sit in Wichita's Botanical Garden. I have been back in Wichita since Friday, I leave in a day or two. Life is more confusing since coming back.

Reflecting on memories of old. Who I use to be, who I use to want to be. Who am I now? Who will I continue to be? When will I become the person I am meant to be?

As much as I hate fish, there is a simple peace sitting next to a koi pond.

__________________________________________________


(10/10/11)

Fears

Two times this week I have spent time in the shower crying, praying, thinking.
I have come to the conclusion what holds me back is fear.
I have written about fear before, but it still holds me back. In my openness I will once again announce my fears as of right now.

I do not fear dying. I fear dying alone, and withing that fear I also fear leaving my loved ones when I die.

Oddly, I fear sleep. Not the nightmares, but the "good" dreams that remind me of all I am not or do not have.

Lastly, I fear failure. My own failure. I fail everyone. If I ever get married, I fear I will fail my wife. If I ever have kids, I fear I will fail them. I fear failing to be who I want to be, who I need to be. I fear not being becoming the Godly man I am meant to be.

I must let go of this fear, all of it, and give it to God. It holds me back.

And a Poem: Time to Jump

(8/24/11)

At the time of writing this I have yet to post "Fear." It feels writing itself is the release not just being open. Don't get me wrong I will still post them, that is still the open and honesty of the blog.

My moods and emotions have been wonky lately. Sometimes i want to cry, others dance.

Do I know how I feel or how I am supposed to feel?



Standing on the edge of a cliff.
Adrenaline pumps threw every vein.
Wind blows, hair waves.
Arms raised.
Do I jump?
Do I fall?
I have stood here before.
Eyes open wide,
     Staring down at all before me.
This is my future.

Walk a steps from the edge.

Running start.
The time is now.
Leap of Faith.
Eyes closed.
Falling.
Smiling.

Nothing will hold me back.
Wind threw hair.
Taking back control.
This is future is MINE!

I choose what to feel.
I choose how to feel.
These feelings are mine,
    These feelings are me.

Ready,
   Determined,
       Calm,
             Excited.

In the end does it matter?

Fear.

(8/21/11)

Back in blue ink today.


Love has been on my mind a lot lately. With love, death soon follows in my mind.
I do not fear death. I fear dying alone. I also fear the things worse than death.

I have been thinking about saying this for days, even in my openness as I am here it is still hard sometimes. I decided to say it to keep up with my honesty here.

The facts known by many; I have a bad neck injury, there are few treatments for it; pills leave me unable to function, adjustments only last a couple of days, and then there is surgery...
Surgery has a high chance of bad things happening, like killing me or worse. You may ask what is worse than death. This worse than death is what i fear, ending up in a coma or a vegetable, being left unable to do anything, being a waste, trapped in my own head.

Between that fear and the chance of dying young, I am unsure if I want to allow someone to put up with me or not. Single life may be best so no one has to hurt so bad losing me.

Bigger than my fear of dying alone is hurting the ones I care about or causing them pain.

I know in all these feelings I have been having as of late and these fears, I have a God who is bigger and stronger than all of it. Without Him I wouldn't be here.
I just can't ask Him for help or ask for prayer, I don't feel like i deserve it,
I know I don't deserve any of the good that I have.

Today may be a sunglasses day again to hide the tears...

Nowhere/Nothing

(8/17/11)

I want to dance.
I want to cry.
I want to headbang.
I want to scream.

I want to feel something different.
I am just tired of this life.
I wish I could runaway, somewhere far away.

What holds me here? What keeps me from running and disappearing? Do I have any unbreakable connections?

The walls holding me up feel weak, feel loose. They may crumble any minute. Who is there to catch me when they fall?

Tears well up. Why do I feel this way?

My life feels hollow and cold. Is there any of me left for other people? Can I turn to people and tell them this all? What do I say, what will they say?

I sit here crying out on the inside for help, refusing to let tears roll down my face.

Maybe soon the happiness will return.
Maybe soon the confidence will return.
Maybe soon the numbness will fade.
Until this, I push on, go forward.

I don't want to feel alone anymore.
______________________________

I put on sunglasses, now I let the tears flow, one day they may stop.