Fear.

(8/21/11)

Back in blue ink today.


Love has been on my mind a lot lately. With love, death soon follows in my mind.
I do not fear death. I fear dying alone. I also fear the things worse than death.

I have been thinking about saying this for days, even in my openness as I am here it is still hard sometimes. I decided to say it to keep up with my honesty here.

The facts known by many; I have a bad neck injury, there are few treatments for it; pills leave me unable to function, adjustments only last a couple of days, and then there is surgery...
Surgery has a high chance of bad things happening, like killing me or worse. You may ask what is worse than death. This worse than death is what i fear, ending up in a coma or a vegetable, being left unable to do anything, being a waste, trapped in my own head.

Between that fear and the chance of dying young, I am unsure if I want to allow someone to put up with me or not. Single life may be best so no one has to hurt so bad losing me.

Bigger than my fear of dying alone is hurting the ones I care about or causing them pain.

I know in all these feelings I have been having as of late and these fears, I have a God who is bigger and stronger than all of it. Without Him I wouldn't be here.
I just can't ask Him for help or ask for prayer, I don't feel like i deserve it,
I know I don't deserve any of the good that I have.

Today may be a sunglasses day again to hide the tears...