Letters

(10/12/11)

It was many a year ago in a kingdom by the sea...

Wait, no, that's wrong. It was many a year ago though. One of the worst things in my life happened. I was taken advantage in a sexual manner, it lasted for a few years.  This was many years ago, I have forgiven him (four years ago). What I have trouble with and struggle with, forgiving myself. I had so much anger built up, I not only wished him dead but thought of ways to kill him.

It has been on my heart to write him for a while now. I will write and try to get the letter to him. The rest of this will be my letter:


(10/14/11)

-(Name Edited Out)


I have had it on my heart to write this letter for a while. Starting it has been difficult. I will start it with, I have forgiven you.

What I have struggled with in starting this letter is old emotion. For years I carried so much anger and hatred towards you. Thinking about what to say reminds me of all the anger I had. That anger now makes me feel sick. The hardest part I have is forgiving myself.

Even as I work on forgiving myself, I whole heartily ask for your forgiveness for all my anger and hatred I had towards you.

While writing this I am unsure if I want to know if you read it or not. I have shed so many tears, and shed more as I write this.

I am sorry.

Sincerely,
Gregory Tomas Oswald

Reflections and Fears

(9/26/11) Reflections

Five years ago today was my car wreck.

I am now 25 years old. I still have no idea about anything for my life.

Surrounded by plants, flowers, and water. I sit in Wichita's Botanical Garden. I have been back in Wichita since Friday, I leave in a day or two. Life is more confusing since coming back.

Reflecting on memories of old. Who I use to be, who I use to want to be. Who am I now? Who will I continue to be? When will I become the person I am meant to be?

As much as I hate fish, there is a simple peace sitting next to a koi pond.

__________________________________________________


(10/10/11)

Fears

Two times this week I have spent time in the shower crying, praying, thinking.
I have come to the conclusion what holds me back is fear.
I have written about fear before, but it still holds me back. In my openness I will once again announce my fears as of right now.

I do not fear dying. I fear dying alone, and withing that fear I also fear leaving my loved ones when I die.

Oddly, I fear sleep. Not the nightmares, but the "good" dreams that remind me of all I am not or do not have.

Lastly, I fear failure. My own failure. I fail everyone. If I ever get married, I fear I will fail my wife. If I ever have kids, I fear I will fail them. I fear failing to be who I want to be, who I need to be. I fear not being becoming the Godly man I am meant to be.

I must let go of this fear, all of it, and give it to God. It holds me back.