Five years ago today was my car wreck.
I am now 25 years old. I still have no idea about anything for my life.
Surrounded by plants, flowers, and water. I sit in Wichita's Botanical Garden. I have been back in Wichita since Friday, I leave in a day or two. Life is more confusing since coming back.
Reflecting on memories of old. Who I use to be, who I use to want to be. Who am I now? Who will I continue to be? When will I become the person I am meant to be?
As much as I hate fish, there is a simple peace sitting next to a koi pond.
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(10/10/11)
Fears
Two times this week I have spent time in the shower crying, praying, thinking.
I have come to the conclusion what holds me back is fear.
I have written about fear before, but it still holds me back. In my openness I will once again announce my fears as of right now.
I do not fear dying. I fear dying alone, and withing that fear I also fear leaving my loved ones when I die.
Oddly, I fear sleep. Not the nightmares, but the "good" dreams that remind me of all I am not or do not have.
Lastly, I fear failure. My own failure. I fail everyone. If I ever get married, I fear I will fail my wife. If I ever have kids, I fear I will fail them. I fear failing to be who I want to be, who I need to be. I fear not being becoming the Godly man I am meant to be.
I must let go of this fear, all of it, and give it to God. It holds me back.
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