Letters

(10/12/11)

It was many a year ago in a kingdom by the sea...

Wait, no, that's wrong. It was many a year ago though. One of the worst things in my life happened. I was taken advantage in a sexual manner, it lasted for a few years.  This was many years ago, I have forgiven him (four years ago). What I have trouble with and struggle with, forgiving myself. I had so much anger built up, I not only wished him dead but thought of ways to kill him.

It has been on my heart to write him for a while now. I will write and try to get the letter to him. The rest of this will be my letter:


(10/14/11)

-(Name Edited Out)


I have had it on my heart to write this letter for a while. Starting it has been difficult. I will start it with, I have forgiven you.

What I have struggled with in starting this letter is old emotion. For years I carried so much anger and hatred towards you. Thinking about what to say reminds me of all the anger I had. That anger now makes me feel sick. The hardest part I have is forgiving myself.

Even as I work on forgiving myself, I whole heartily ask for your forgiveness for all my anger and hatred I had towards you.

While writing this I am unsure if I want to know if you read it or not. I have shed so many tears, and shed more as I write this.

I am sorry.

Sincerely,
Gregory Tomas Oswald

Reflections and Fears

(9/26/11) Reflections

Five years ago today was my car wreck.

I am now 25 years old. I still have no idea about anything for my life.

Surrounded by plants, flowers, and water. I sit in Wichita's Botanical Garden. I have been back in Wichita since Friday, I leave in a day or two. Life is more confusing since coming back.

Reflecting on memories of old. Who I use to be, who I use to want to be. Who am I now? Who will I continue to be? When will I become the person I am meant to be?

As much as I hate fish, there is a simple peace sitting next to a koi pond.

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(10/10/11)

Fears

Two times this week I have spent time in the shower crying, praying, thinking.
I have come to the conclusion what holds me back is fear.
I have written about fear before, but it still holds me back. In my openness I will once again announce my fears as of right now.

I do not fear dying. I fear dying alone, and withing that fear I also fear leaving my loved ones when I die.

Oddly, I fear sleep. Not the nightmares, but the "good" dreams that remind me of all I am not or do not have.

Lastly, I fear failure. My own failure. I fail everyone. If I ever get married, I fear I will fail my wife. If I ever have kids, I fear I will fail them. I fear failing to be who I want to be, who I need to be. I fear not being becoming the Godly man I am meant to be.

I must let go of this fear, all of it, and give it to God. It holds me back.

And a Poem: Time to Jump

(8/24/11)

At the time of writing this I have yet to post "Fear." It feels writing itself is the release not just being open. Don't get me wrong I will still post them, that is still the open and honesty of the blog.

My moods and emotions have been wonky lately. Sometimes i want to cry, others dance.

Do I know how I feel or how I am supposed to feel?



Standing on the edge of a cliff.
Adrenaline pumps threw every vein.
Wind blows, hair waves.
Arms raised.
Do I jump?
Do I fall?
I have stood here before.
Eyes open wide,
     Staring down at all before me.
This is my future.

Walk a steps from the edge.

Running start.
The time is now.
Leap of Faith.
Eyes closed.
Falling.
Smiling.

Nothing will hold me back.
Wind threw hair.
Taking back control.
This is future is MINE!

I choose what to feel.
I choose how to feel.
These feelings are mine,
    These feelings are me.

Ready,
   Determined,
       Calm,
             Excited.

In the end does it matter?

Fear.

(8/21/11)

Back in blue ink today.


Love has been on my mind a lot lately. With love, death soon follows in my mind.
I do not fear death. I fear dying alone. I also fear the things worse than death.

I have been thinking about saying this for days, even in my openness as I am here it is still hard sometimes. I decided to say it to keep up with my honesty here.

The facts known by many; I have a bad neck injury, there are few treatments for it; pills leave me unable to function, adjustments only last a couple of days, and then there is surgery...
Surgery has a high chance of bad things happening, like killing me or worse. You may ask what is worse than death. This worse than death is what i fear, ending up in a coma or a vegetable, being left unable to do anything, being a waste, trapped in my own head.

Between that fear and the chance of dying young, I am unsure if I want to allow someone to put up with me or not. Single life may be best so no one has to hurt so bad losing me.

Bigger than my fear of dying alone is hurting the ones I care about or causing them pain.

I know in all these feelings I have been having as of late and these fears, I have a God who is bigger and stronger than all of it. Without Him I wouldn't be here.
I just can't ask Him for help or ask for prayer, I don't feel like i deserve it,
I know I don't deserve any of the good that I have.

Today may be a sunglasses day again to hide the tears...

Nowhere/Nothing

(8/17/11)

I want to dance.
I want to cry.
I want to headbang.
I want to scream.

I want to feel something different.
I am just tired of this life.
I wish I could runaway, somewhere far away.

What holds me here? What keeps me from running and disappearing? Do I have any unbreakable connections?

The walls holding me up feel weak, feel loose. They may crumble any minute. Who is there to catch me when they fall?

Tears well up. Why do I feel this way?

My life feels hollow and cold. Is there any of me left for other people? Can I turn to people and tell them this all? What do I say, what will they say?

I sit here crying out on the inside for help, refusing to let tears roll down my face.

Maybe soon the happiness will return.
Maybe soon the confidence will return.
Maybe soon the numbness will fade.
Until this, I push on, go forward.

I don't want to feel alone anymore.
______________________________

I put on sunglasses, now I let the tears flow, one day they may stop.

Mending Black Hearts

(8/16/11)

"Let the beauty of what you love be what you do." -Rumi

A quote from To Write Love on Her Arms to start my day. It raises very good questions: What do I love? Is what I love beautiful? Is my love beautiful?

Love has been on my mind a lot lately, for various reasons, no one single reason. I have only found one conclusion, love is confusing.

Today I write in black ink. My heart feels black and cold. Black because I know all the people I have hurt, and all the pain I have caused. Cold because I know how much I have been hurt.

A poem is in my head, ever growing, ever expanding. I want to put it on paper, but it just can not make it there.


I am still writing more than I use to, but not what I want to write.


I am sitting in the coffeehouse again, for the first time in forever, I am at a lose for words with my writing though.


I think I need a break from life.

Broken Green Hearts

Green today. Today I write in green. Green for a dear friend.


My mood for writing today works well with this quote: "We are made of love and all the beauty stemming from it. We are made of love and all the fracture caused by it," by Sleeping at Last.


Some things I want to say but am at a loss for words for. Feelings I feel, ones I want to feel, ones I think I feel. Even writing only helps examine them, not put them into words.


How to tell someone something hard to say.  Does it even make a difference saying it? How does one show it even to have it mean truly what it is?
Words have trouble flowing even now.

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"Raw," "needed," "possibly hated." These are what I have heard my blog called. I defend myself on these, I do not know why though. If people don't like it, then they need it more.
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I think I want to try a poem today. A poem free form. It has been too long since I did a real poem.
Poetry is the answer...

Drops of Red

It has been a few weeks since I wrote, I have been very busy.

Up until tonight I have only written in my blue Pilot Precise V5 Rolling Ball pen, tonight it is red.

Red like blood. It flows smooth like blood when I write, my thought goes like this because tonight is the first time in ages I had the feeling, "I want to cut, feel blood flowing my arm, to feel alive perhaps." Instead I choose to write this.

I recently found out something I wrote has touched someone. It feels hollow.
Maybe because I feel hollow?

Sometimes I feel more mature but not in a good way. I could do something not bad, per se, but it might just be to benefit myself, to make me happy.
But it wouldn't be right, would it?
I feel alone because of this, something I could to make myself happy and not alone, but I can't do it.

I feel better looking at what I have written before, it begins to fade when I stop reading.

The page I am writing on is now covered in red, as if my blood. No blood flows, only welled up tears show slightly.
I turn the page, red has bled through.

I still ponder what to do, I settle on letting nature run its course and no interfere by poking or prodding my way.
If I am to die, I accept it.



Relationships bring pain, loneliness is constant. Lack of change is easy to conform to.

Dreams Come True

(7/29/11)

Annie is dead. The story is over. I feel alright about it, I think I did it right. Fourteen parts and a re-edit on an older story done in one week. I feel accomplished. Now to start the next story followed by another re-edit. Is it possible to finish the first three stories of To Whom it May Concern in just two weeks? Maybe. (Edit note, no I can not as I have not written much as I have been busy)

As I write my confidence is growing, I even talked to a cute girl at the coffeehouse I go to.

Life feels right.
___________________________________________________

It wasn't rushed, wasn't made into something it wasn't, it wasn't easy. She is dead. It was needed. It wouldn't work if she hadn't died.

I might even feel better after killing her. Part of me died, some of my fears. My Confidence is Increase.

I keep repeating to myself, "I killed her." I feel bad for the people around me.

Annie is dead.

Now, I need to be published.


___________________________________________________
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Bonus Post (Untitled)

(7/30/11)

Last night I started the next story in my saga. I finished the first part and got stuck on the second. Writing his life is very hard, I have been planning the character since high school, yet I don't know him yet. I know his death. I do not know his life. The end of the journey is known, but the path is dark.

I have known his death for years, I feel nothing about it.
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Side note:  Raspberry Chai with Dark Chocolate is AMAZING! Side note done.

Home Sweet Home

Two days since I wrote anything, I have been working on my confidence. One day I hope to be able to talk to a girl, to initiate conversation.
I still don'r know what I want relationship wise.
Sitting in a coffeehouse writing in note books is just fine for me right now.


Side note: is it possible to call two separate places home? Kansas and Texas both feel like home to me.


Back to rest. Which dreams should I follow? How do I start talking to strangers? Do I need a "wing man?"
Do I just want to possibly stay single forever? Is that my calling?
How much control do I have over my own life?
______________________________________

Too many thoughts run through my head.
Sometimes I forget how old I am and think I am 10 years older than I actually am.
Is it bad to talk to random strangers?
_____________________________________

As I write more in my story, the characters become more real to me, The despair as their time is coming to a close, I feel. Annie still dies, but it almost as if part of me is dying too.
I have felt the presence of Death before, lost many loved ones, but Annie feels like a part of myself. I don't know which part.
The challenge of writing a life over death grows harder as their life becomes more real. I almost want to rush the end so it can be over, but I can't, the story must be told.

The Challenge

(Written 7/26/11)

Day two of my vow, I am on such a high from writing, i barely slept.  I already have the first 5 parts of my newest story, it is turning out to be much longer than I expected. I am enjoying the challenge of writing two weeks of someone's life, the last two weeks even. The challenge is there, but I know I can do it.

Not only am I writing a lot on my story, but I am even journal-ling/ blogging two days in a row. This is such a fun experience.

Everyone who has read it so so far has really liked it and is encouraging. The more I write, the more ideas I have. The hardest I find when writing is the dialogue, but even that flows with the characters , in my mind they are almost real. Everything is just falling into place as I write, I only stop to rest my hand (both this blog and my writing one, I try to hand write first before typing it out),

Part 2, added same day

Today I was I should be desperate.
I ask myself, should I be, and if so how much?
Where do I begin? What do I say?
What do I give up on? What do I do?

My Vow to Write

Recently I wrote about healing. I continue to heal, old fears rise again. Even with rising fears, hope is still there. Some dreams almost seem as waste as I get older, I give these dreams to God, He will either help them to come true, or use me for better.

I am sitting in a coffeehouse right now, being in public alone like this is new to me, but I need it. I bought two new notebooks today, one for each blog, and new pens to encourage myself to write more.

I hold onto my dreams, I still question how much to let go of them. I want to get published one day and have my writings touch someone, I want to get married and have a family. The latter of those seems more and more unlikely as I get older, I believe God has someone for me. As for getting published, I have no idea how to get started on that, so I will write and write.

I make this as a promise, until God tells me otherwise, I will write as long as I am able! Poetry, my thoughts, my ideas, novels, novellas, anthologies, short stories, devotionals, I will write!!!

A New Time

As I continue to heal, I know I can't do it without God.  He is my rock, I can't do anything without Him.

I have been worried, I haven't felt like I have dealt with my recent pain, but in prayer with God today I realized He has strengthened me and protected me in it, and I thank Him greatly for it.

I have great friends who have been there for me through it, but I have an amazing God who has protected me in it and kept me strong.

So, remember in all things He does love you and will protect you even if you don't know it right away.

Getting Up Again

It has been a long time since I did a free form writing where I just write what is on my mind, my thoughts, feelings, fears, etc.

Today I just want to think, but I think best when writing, and doing it publibly like this keeps up with my view of total honesty.

Today is a painful day, I have been working on getting my emotions sorted, figured out, how to handle them, it hasn't been easy.  I use to run from pain, if I got hurt I would just go into a shell and stay there and be numb to the world.  Cutting myself cold turkey from the self induced numbness was very difficult, made me have to relearn emotions, how to feel more joyous, how to handle anger, sadness, bitterness, happiness, everything.

I became a slightly angry person, I would just be angry but I became mad at myself for not knowing how to handle the bad things in life, I became snappy at some people.

Today though, is a painful day.  I have felt emotional shock, today from an emotional blow I felt a physical shock.

I don't know what to do, I am not even fully sure how I feel.

All I know is that I got some great freinds who I know care, that I can go on, that I must go on.  This world is not done with me yet.  Above all I have a God who I know will never leave me, when it feels like the world just tears me to shreds He is there with open arms.

To quote a song that i may listen to alot, "I get knocked down, but I get back up again."

I don't know if anyone is going to read this, if it matters in the end, but writing does help a bit, I can sort out what is going on in my head.

For another quote, it was posted by To Write Love on Her Arms today, it makes me think, the reason I want to be published is so maybe my writing can touch someone, "To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, that is to have succeeded." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the end, I just want to feel like I have done something, helped change something for the good, touched someone's life.

Back to the main point, I will go on.  I still have my dreams and hopes, this may feel as a set back to them, but I WILL accomplish them.