Home Sweet Home

Two days since I wrote anything, I have been working on my confidence. One day I hope to be able to talk to a girl, to initiate conversation.
I still don'r know what I want relationship wise.
Sitting in a coffeehouse writing in note books is just fine for me right now.


Side note: is it possible to call two separate places home? Kansas and Texas both feel like home to me.


Back to rest. Which dreams should I follow? How do I start talking to strangers? Do I need a "wing man?"
Do I just want to possibly stay single forever? Is that my calling?
How much control do I have over my own life?
______________________________________

Too many thoughts run through my head.
Sometimes I forget how old I am and think I am 10 years older than I actually am.
Is it bad to talk to random strangers?
_____________________________________

As I write more in my story, the characters become more real to me, The despair as their time is coming to a close, I feel. Annie still dies, but it almost as if part of me is dying too.
I have felt the presence of Death before, lost many loved ones, but Annie feels like a part of myself. I don't know which part.
The challenge of writing a life over death grows harder as their life becomes more real. I almost want to rush the end so it can be over, but I can't, the story must be told.

The Challenge

(Written 7/26/11)

Day two of my vow, I am on such a high from writing, i barely slept.  I already have the first 5 parts of my newest story, it is turning out to be much longer than I expected. I am enjoying the challenge of writing two weeks of someone's life, the last two weeks even. The challenge is there, but I know I can do it.

Not only am I writing a lot on my story, but I am even journal-ling/ blogging two days in a row. This is such a fun experience.

Everyone who has read it so so far has really liked it and is encouraging. The more I write, the more ideas I have. The hardest I find when writing is the dialogue, but even that flows with the characters , in my mind they are almost real. Everything is just falling into place as I write, I only stop to rest my hand (both this blog and my writing one, I try to hand write first before typing it out),

Part 2, added same day

Today I was I should be desperate.
I ask myself, should I be, and if so how much?
Where do I begin? What do I say?
What do I give up on? What do I do?

My Vow to Write

Recently I wrote about healing. I continue to heal, old fears rise again. Even with rising fears, hope is still there. Some dreams almost seem as waste as I get older, I give these dreams to God, He will either help them to come true, or use me for better.

I am sitting in a coffeehouse right now, being in public alone like this is new to me, but I need it. I bought two new notebooks today, one for each blog, and new pens to encourage myself to write more.

I hold onto my dreams, I still question how much to let go of them. I want to get published one day and have my writings touch someone, I want to get married and have a family. The latter of those seems more and more unlikely as I get older, I believe God has someone for me. As for getting published, I have no idea how to get started on that, so I will write and write.

I make this as a promise, until God tells me otherwise, I will write as long as I am able! Poetry, my thoughts, my ideas, novels, novellas, anthologies, short stories, devotionals, I will write!!!

A New Time

As I continue to heal, I know I can't do it without God.  He is my rock, I can't do anything without Him.

I have been worried, I haven't felt like I have dealt with my recent pain, but in prayer with God today I realized He has strengthened me and protected me in it, and I thank Him greatly for it.

I have great friends who have been there for me through it, but I have an amazing God who has protected me in it and kept me strong.

So, remember in all things He does love you and will protect you even if you don't know it right away.

Getting Up Again

It has been a long time since I did a free form writing where I just write what is on my mind, my thoughts, feelings, fears, etc.

Today I just want to think, but I think best when writing, and doing it publibly like this keeps up with my view of total honesty.

Today is a painful day, I have been working on getting my emotions sorted, figured out, how to handle them, it hasn't been easy.  I use to run from pain, if I got hurt I would just go into a shell and stay there and be numb to the world.  Cutting myself cold turkey from the self induced numbness was very difficult, made me have to relearn emotions, how to feel more joyous, how to handle anger, sadness, bitterness, happiness, everything.

I became a slightly angry person, I would just be angry but I became mad at myself for not knowing how to handle the bad things in life, I became snappy at some people.

Today though, is a painful day.  I have felt emotional shock, today from an emotional blow I felt a physical shock.

I don't know what to do, I am not even fully sure how I feel.

All I know is that I got some great freinds who I know care, that I can go on, that I must go on.  This world is not done with me yet.  Above all I have a God who I know will never leave me, when it feels like the world just tears me to shreds He is there with open arms.

To quote a song that i may listen to alot, "I get knocked down, but I get back up again."

I don't know if anyone is going to read this, if it matters in the end, but writing does help a bit, I can sort out what is going on in my head.

For another quote, it was posted by To Write Love on Her Arms today, it makes me think, the reason I want to be published is so maybe my writing can touch someone, "To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, that is to have succeeded." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the end, I just want to feel like I have done something, helped change something for the good, touched someone's life.

Back to the main point, I will go on.  I still have my dreams and hopes, this may feel as a set back to them, but I WILL accomplish them.